Satire
Dems Should Do The Sensible Thing And
Nominate A Moderate Rapacious Psychopath
By Caitlin Johnstone
Editor’s note: In order to circumvent
internet censorship, today’s Caitlin
Johnstone essay has been replaced with an
op-ed by Snooty McCentrist of the National
News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.
February 17, 2020 "Information
Clearing House" - After Bernie Sanders failed to impress in his
underwhelming consecutive victories in Iowa and New
Hampshire, it’s time for his far-far-left extremist
base to grow up and face reality: there’s no way he
can beat Trump. Especially with people like me
churning out all these op-eds every day to make sure
that he can’t.
Face it, Democrats: Sanders is no frontrunner. As
the always rational adult in the room Chris Matthews
recently pointed out, if you compare his New
Hampshire votes to the combined vote total of
moderate candidates Pete Buttigieg, Joe Biden and
Amy Klobuchar, he’s actually trailing far behind.
Sanders clocked in at a paltry 26 percent of total
votes, while the triune electoral threegernaut
Klobdenbutt amassed a whopping 53 percent. Now, you
don’t have to be Andrew Yang to figure out that 53
is more than 26.
That’s not my opinion. That’s math.
If you can’t take it from me, take it from the
cold, hard numbers: if Democrats want to beat Trump,
they need to nominate a centrist. Someone who
rejects the extremes of Bernie’s far left and
Trump’s far right and instead espouses sensible,
middle-of-the-road values like endless war and
military expansionism, rapacious ecocide, corrupt
plutocracy, crushing domestic austerity measures,
new cold war nuclear escalations, continued
deregulation of sociopathic financial and commercial
institutions, police militarization, unprecedented
levels of imprisonment, Orwellian surveillance
programs, internet censorship, and ever-mounting
authoritarianism.
You know, the moderate position.
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