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Satire
An
Open Letter to the CIA from the Head of RT
By
Margarita Simonyan
This is a translation from the
Russian original, which appeared Saturday,
Christmas day, (Russian calendar) on Ms. Simonyan's
personal blog.
The author is the head of the
Russian global news network
RT.com, sometimes referred to by its old name,
'Russia Today', and of the Russian global news
agency, 'Sputnik'.
January 10, 2017 "Information
Clearing House"
- "RI"
-
Dear
CIA,
You
get a total F for
this thing you wrote.
You
don’t cover the subject in enough detail, some sources
are un-named, and those you do name are either out of
date, or simply untrue. The whole thing reads like
something a schoolboy would write for a homework
assignment.
At my
KGB high school, you would have been flogged with a
birch switch for this kind of incompetence, which,
incidentally, is rather painful.
I’m
going to have to step in here and give you a little
friendly mentoring as you work to correct your mistakes.
Let’s start with a few basic facts. These facts are
indisputable and heavily documented.
Your
assignment is to write out each fact legibly three times
in neat handwriting with no mistakes, and not using an
eraser.
After
the holidays the teacher himself will grade your work!
------
In
2001 at the age of 21 I covered the elections in Crimea.
Then, as always, actually, there existed a very strong
pro-Russian mood. Ever since that two-week assignment,
it never subsided. These facts are indisputable.
My
former very serious boyfriend whom I was living with,
Andrei Blagodyrenko, runs the Sputnik news agencies in
the countries of the former USSR. I offered him the job
after we broke up. Under his leadership, Sputnik has
become a market leader in those countries. What we have
here is scientific proof that Russian propaganda spreads
through body fluids. These facts are indisputable.
I met
several times with Julian Assange. You can confirm this
by checking the security cameras at the Ecuadorean
embassy, or even just by reading
my rather careless tweets about it. The meetings
took place in London. London iz ze kepital aff Grait
Breettun. These facts are indisputable.
RT
was the first global news channel to get a billion views
on Youtube, already in 2013. It is blindingly obvious,
therefore, that Russia hacked every Youtube user,
because it is not blindingly obvious how else this many
peeps could be gorging themselves on Russian propaganda
without at least the benefit of horseradish and mustard.
These facts are indisputable.
Alexei Gromov is indeed my contact in the Kremlin. Our
meetings are not infrequent and sometimes involve adult
beverages. I prefer German beer, while he is fond of
Russian vodka. These facts are indisputable.
Once,
Alexei, returning home from mushroom hunting in the
forest, stopped by my home and left a basket of
porcinis. You can confirm this by checking the security
cameras of my village. Shortly after, an employee of
the US Department of State visited me. You can check
the same cameras to confirm this. I served fried
porcinis to my guest, craftily claiming they are a
traditional Russian delicacy. These facts are
indisputable.
One
year ago we made a video showing how after retiring,
Obama and Kerry will end up watching RT at home,
sobbing. You can see this video as it is public on an
information network known as the internet. To reach it,
you have to type the address into your browser, or
click, that is, press on the button of your mouse on
these words right here. These facts are
indisputable.
And
last but not least. At the age of 15, having neither
contacts nor money, I studied in the US on a school
exchange program paid for by US taxpayers. At that
time, Donald Trump was already a significant taxpayer.
Draw
your own conclusions.
The views
expressed in this article are the author's own and do
not necessarily reflect Information Clearing House
editorial policy. |
